My Journey with depression and how I’m winning,

Yes I said winning, how am I doing that you ask ?
well first I had to acknowledge that I was suffering from depression, I’m aware of the symptoms and understand when those emotions and feeling are strongest, I know those negative thoughts that comes and where they were going to lead me, by being aware, it led me to discover that I had the power to control them. When those hurtful memories from the past knocks, before, I used to open the door and invite them in and allow myself to linger in those feelings, agreeing with those emotions allowing myself to be a victim all over again, I was reliving those painful moments, I was feeding my energy negative thoughts from my past. onced I discovered that I had rights to my present feelings, I begin to fight against the negative thoughts, when they came knocking. I knew I had a choice to open to it or not to.

Positive Distractions

I chose other distractions such as turning on the music, go walking, grab a pen and paper and start writing,(writing has never fail me that is why I call it my saving grace.) I would pick up the phone and call someone, now is not easy at first, it’s a daily challenge which will required daily will. some days are tougher than other base on whatever triggers those feelings. I personally believe the reason some has succumb to depression worse than others is because they are not aware of choices when it comes to those feelings and emotions that are detrimental to their mental health. those thoughts that comes saying, “you are not love, you are a failure, just end it all etc, will only get louder if you sit there and listen to it, I had to find a way to quiet those thoughts, understanding that I don’t have to focus on it because by focusing on those thoughts will only fuel its power in my mind.

SHAME

Another discovery I made was not feeling ashamed of suffering from depression, which is another huge factor that help my (Winning). I told myself so many people out there are dealing with something, no one have a perfect life, all of us are struggling with one thing or another, and shame never bring about healing, shame is a form of emotions that will keep you in the dark and confine you to a state of mind that won’t allow you room to forgive self and others.

Happy Place

Happy Place! I got creative in creating happy places for me to go when negative thoughts start knocking, I gave myself other alternatives, here some example. My kids, I start thinking about them, I start focusing on them, I will grab a photo album and start going through their pics, I will venture into a memory of the last good thing I did or happen to me. I stay conscious of my thoughts, I stay presence of my now.

No cure, But its OK

I know there is no cure for depression, so I had to make a decision on how I’m going to live with depression and not let it get the best of me. so the answer came to me over time, by acknowledging it, don’t fear it, don’t be ashame of it, and know I also have the ability and power over how my feelings and emotion affect me on a day to day living. By realizing and accepting that I had a choice when it comes to my feelings and emotions and the thoughts that I focus on, and allow to lord in my mind, empowered me to have a more healthier mindset. It’s a responsibility I challenge myself with daily,and that is why I’m winning.

~Micheline Jean Louis

Self-confidence

Self-confidence will take you places where degrees and money can’t. beliefs in self will always make you a winner.  Micheline Jean Louis

The Realm for Poets

For some poets the night is the perfect sphere with pen and paper in hand come to die in agony and be born again healed. Micheline Jean Louis

The days when you were loved

I missed the days when the sun used to paint your smile, the rays illuminating your face reminding me of all things wonderful, I long to see the way your eyes used to gleamed as though God was using them as inspiration to paint the stars at night, oh I do miss the way you were when you thought you were loved. Micheline Jean Louis

Your smile

I believe your smile is the reflection of all things made wonderful, hmm your smile the way it curves and entice the soul to crave more, yes that smile of yours such enchantment who can withstand such power,if there’s any antidotes that can break the spell of your smile, I wish to stay off its path for I wish to stay bewitched forever.

Micheline Jean Louis

Existence

We’re all just fighting to be recognized, we want to know that we are not alone in this maze call life, we want to feel we belong, our fear is that we are running out of time to exist, we are running out of time to matter, to be love,to become something more, not just another grain of sand in the sea, we want to shine, we want history to remember us. we are constants in our search for a bit of luck and magic, anything to signify something special. we want the memory of us to be immortal even after our physical body has decay, we want continual existence. we want meaning, we want to exist and matter now and tomorrow….

Micheline Jean Louis

LOVE LETTER TO DEATH

Dear death, where are you? When will you come for me? I’ve been waiting for you to save me, I’m eager for the tenderness of your kiss that will take my breath away. I long for your presence that will usher me into nothingness,that peaceful place where all that exists is silence. I yearn for your arms around me to shield from this life of pain. My beloved I beseech you to heed upon my request and make haste, do not wait till I wither away before you pluck me out of this misery call living, have mercy! Look upon my sorrows, my battered soul has run out of room for scars, I’m too  broken to see the purpose of the sun, the rising rays only further infuse how I was betrayed by love wrath. I’m no use for this life and neither life is useful to me. I implore your grace death, please come save me. Your promises of eternal darkness  is my last hope, do not fail me as life did. Im nothing but a forgotten memory to this world of the living. I urge you to examine my past, for I am confident you will find me worthy of an end. Yours truly a victim of unrequited love.

-MICHELINE JEAN LOUIS

FATE

fate

Dusty walls

He Came looking for love and all he found was an empty place and dusty walls
A Place where hopes and passion once breathe
If these dusty walls could speak
They would tell a story of once upon a time
There was a girl who believed in love,and love she did
She had a smile that could inspire the sun to rise
she had courage and passion
Which cause the moon and the stars to glitter and shine
But love happen and pain took over
And broke her over and over again until she was no more
And now all that’s left is these dusty walls full of memories of a girl that once love.

By Micheline Jean Louis

Right or Wrong

I don’t want to be right or wrong I just want to be!

I feel like I’m living vicariously, operating in safe mode

living in fear  of the what Ifs

I want to throw caution to the wind

And Fuck the consequences,

I just want to live without all these conditions and rules

I want to breathe freely and submerge into it all

And reemerge and do it all over again without the fear of  being right or wrong.

~Micheline Jean Louis

We fought the wrong war

I sat across the table staring into silence
So much is said, without spoken words
Wrap in the arms of loneliness
While your presence is so near

Who have we become?
How did we become the monsters within?
While seeking only love,
I hurt you and you hurt me

Tic toc, where have time go?
All the moments we’ve lost
While searching for new ones
Those moments that never came

The leaves are changing again
Another season has come and gone
Shattered dreams, forgotten promises
We fail love, We fought the wrong war.

~Micheline Jean Louis

Tomorrow taken from us,we weren’t ready

(Dedication to the victims and families of the Orlando Shooting)

We wanted to go out tonight just to have fun,

the night was young

the anticipation of music and laughter
mixing together “exhilarating.”

Pulse racing “we are among those that share
the same courage to be ourselves.”

We were among friends

We had no Idea evil had plans tonight as well,
hate came with a vengeance
and reek havoc that took tomorrow away from us
we just wanted to have fun with friends and strangers
we just wanted to enjoy the music mixing with laughters

Our tomorrows  taken away from us in bloodsheds,
screams and fears.

we looked for a place to hide in the chaos, but hate found us anyways,
the sound of bullets invading was the last sound to our ears
tears in  our eyes
blood everywhere
phones ringing
the pleading voices “Please don’t kill me.”

hate declared war on us tonight and won

We had no idea this is how it would all end , we were not ready, we didn’t get to say our goodbyes, we didn’t get to say all the “I love you”.
we only came to have fun with our friends and strangers, we were not ready for the hate that took us from our tomorrow, we were not ready.

Micheline Jean Louis

HERE

Here

I don’t know why I came here to this place
Where the rivers will soon dry out
And the smile of the sun will to fade
The wind will lose its thrill and be still forever

I don’t know why I came here to this life
What motivation or desires drove me to get here?
Was it in search of the glowing moon
Or just to hear the courageous sound of the ocean
Perhaps I am here to see the endless green meadows beauty

Could it be I am here to bear witness to the rise and fall of men,
To paint their love and hate, to remember their great goods and terrible evil,
Maybe I am here to be a part of it all, to participate, loose whatever self I am,

I don’t know why I’m here, only my death will know such possible reasons
Because the afterlife only gossip to death,
I am Here, so I will be what the moment dictates
And perhaps by sheer grace whatever comes after, my soul will remember that I was here and have always been.

~Micheline Jean Louis

Therefore, I am.

I have a vision far and wide with no begining nor end
my vision entangles with the universe glimmering in stardust
I am god with hips that causes waves when sway
I speak only the language of my soul, therefore I am called a rebel
I unearthed my path and stood alone with no compass or map I trusted my spirit.
with no golds nor silvers or any earthly goods in hands,
I stand victorious with a rich soul,
My character is my own, my truth is my own and for that, I am.

~Micheline Jean Louis

God smiles

The wind blows
The birds sings
Memories of bliss romance the heart
Two young lovers kissing under the sun
Ahhh! Another day of heaven
God smiles.
-Micheline Jean Louis

The Courage to discover Me.

One of the Joyous moment in my life was the day I exercised my courage to journey within, the excitement of discovering who I am and what I am not. yes there were moments of fear, only because the process of reconditioning  from what I was taught to believe was being challange by daring to question everything. mentally I felt like I was going through a fire, but I knew I owed myself at least an opportunity to live my best life. and I knew I would not be able to do so unless I challenged what society,my environment , family and friends had  me to believe of myself. the journey has not stop, but there is a peace in my stride now and courage in my heart to know I’m in control of who I am becoming while still discovering.

Micheline Jean Louis

A dangerous Time

You know  we are living  in dangerous time when the act of kindness is revered as an act of heroism.

Micheline Jean Louis

Crazy? yes I am, and thank you!

I used to be mad when they called me crazy, until I realized that in those moment they consider  me insane I was following my heart, doing what makes me happy and most of all being myself.so now when I am called crazy I take it as a great compliment because it’s a confirmation that I’m living my best life.

~Micheline Jean Louis